My sarcastic title to this blog is my normal ‘Robyn tactic’ on trying to poke fun at a tougher topic for me to blog about. It is sometimes easier to laugh at myself than it is to be authentic with myself. My general dislike for vulnerability is battling hard against my fingers as they currently type on the keyboard. Should I be open about this? Or just live it silently? Kind of my internal version of “Feel cute… might delete later 😏”
Not kidding though. Still not sure if this blog is getting published… I guess if you’re reading this than maybe the scheduling tool within WordPress took over. 🤷
There is one thing I know to be true. I have always promised to keep this blog real and transparent. Now you [my faithful audience of 3] get a look into the doubt I’ve been feeling recently. Doubt, uncertainty, questions— They have all been plaguing my life lately and instead of leaning into it (as I know good and well I should do), it has felt easier to blame. Blame transition and blame change. Those culprits [transition and change] are always making me worse and challenging me before they make me better.
As I spoke about in some form or another on my social channels (or maybe to you in person), about a month ago I started a new job with Pacers Sports and Entertainment. Fair disclaimer upfront, this place is awesome! Literally. #NotSponsored, just my honest and real opinion a month in. I am thrilled to be around some of the greatest, smartest, most creative and innovative humans in this city. It feels like “home” and I am very grateful. (Annnnnd since I just finished up social media best practices and computer security training, I’ll go ahead and state that these views are all mine and not a reflection of my employer.) 😂
[INSERT] That usual moment within my blog where my audience is either annoyed or confused. How can you be grateful and doubt-filled Robyn?
You’ve heard me previously refer to the BOTH/AND syndrome. (Also known by my dad and others as talking out of both sides of your mouth.) This job transition (along with basically everything in life) can BOTH be awesome and exciting AND scary and doubt-filled. This new job can be BOTH anxiety inducing AND the peaceful feeling when I lay my head on the pillow at night.
While I know the above to be true, what I have been struggling to articulate to myself is how this transition and period of change has been able to shake my confidence? There are days I feel like I’m in the boxing ring, struggling to stay on my feet. Full on bloody nose and the clear loser before the fight is even over.
I am desperately searching for the Robyn who wrote this is in a blog less than a year ago:
“For me, all of this change is followed by reflection. And I can’t help but see the goodness of this week and think that maybe goodness comes to those who are willing and ready?
I tend to live in a black and white world. Right and wrong. Good and bad. Boxes that need checked. ✅ Lists that need completed. 📝 But over the recent year I have been pushing myself towards “gray”. Digging into the unknown. Challenging myself with the “middle” and learning how to function in a space that is the definition of lukewarm.”
PS: If you find that Robyn ⬆️ can you tell her to go home? She’s clearly lost.
That is the irony in blogging, I get to read my words from last October and feel COMPLETELY differently this time around. This time I’m not enjoying the gray. I’m struggling. I’m not digging into the unknown and I’m sure as shit not “functioning in a lukewarm space.” The lukewarm water might be drowning me.
But before you start to feel bad for me, (or I turn this blog into a complete pathetic mushy fest), DON’T! I’m here sharing in hopes that someone else can relate to this. When we relate, we connect. And connection reminds me of the humanity in all of us.
And since we’re getting lengthy… this blog needs to end. I don’t have a sweet way to wrap it up though. It’s literally just going to end. (Every content marketer I know is cringing right now.) I don’t have a bow to tie it all together. All I have right now are my feelings.
Feelings of uncertainty.
Feelings of doubt.
Feelings of unworthiness.
Feelings of uncomfortable.
I’ll come around. I know I will. I’ll find my worth and remind myself that it’s okay to not know. But for right now, I just am. I’m vulnerable and new and exhausted and learning. Let’s all leave some space for those feelings today.